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| May the third was the last time I tried to write a blog. April 27th, before that. Possibly a hundred times before then. I used to write for pleasure, a long time ago now. I couldn't tell you if what I wrote back then was of any real quality or worth. But I used to write.
I think this is about as far as I get. Even now I feel like I can't express the things I want to. I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I just need to force myself through and get it all down first, worry about it making sense afterwards. About a year ago I decided I wanted to go back to writing, about three months ago I decided what I should start writing about, about two months ago I gave up.
The idea was to write about things that are out of our control, or so I'd thought, but the more I considered it the more the idea changed and took on a shape of it's own. I suppose it too became something out of my control.
I've had the feeling for some time that the creative side of me, something I used to enjoy and be proud of, was fading slightly. I went on anti-depressants in 2005, not long after I'd started college. I was studying Art and Design. Within a few months I'd stopped caring too much about my course. I enjoyed the freedom that college gave me but I found myself drifting more and more towards the practical subjects. At the end of my first year we had to specialise in an element of Art and Design, I chose fashion. Looking back, I guess it makes sense. Fashion was hands on, there were relatively straight forward design processes and I could blag whatever else I needed to do.
Now I work in a bank. I can't say I enjoy it but that might be about to change (more on that in a bit). A lot of the films I used to love sit on my shelves unwatched these days. I wonder sometimes if maybe my brain has rejected it's understanding of the creative entirely. My point is, I don't think I'd be here today if I'd not made the choice to sort out my depression, but maybe there was a cost, and I ended up losing a part of me anyway. It may all be in my head in truth. I know other people who took the same medicines as me and maybe they'll tell me I'm wrong. Either way, that's sort of my first example of lack of control. Given the choice, I might be who I am today but with the creative understanding and thirst I used to have. Or maybe I never had it and I just stopped pretending...
I think this next example is what can only be described as relative comic relief... I used to laugh about the fact that my glasses made no real difference to my vision. Except that now, I see a definate difference when I look at a screen or page without them. Clearly not my choice, but there's nothing I can do about it.
About every two minutes I highlight this whole text and hover my finger above the delete key. Maybe it's because I'm afraid you might think I'm just sitting at home on my day of complaining about my life, I'm honestly not, or maybe it's that I just don't feel like my writing's interesting anymore. I'm not sure to be honest. I guess I'll just try to finish what I started.
When I moved to Sutton I found I didn't have much time to pursue my favourite hobby, fire breathing. It wasn't a choice I made at the time, it just happened that way. Recently I started practicing again, I'll be performing at a school fete in June and I wanted to make sure I could still do it. When I started breathing and spinning fire, it was almost like I found myself. I actually had something that defined me and seperated me from the rest of the world. I suppose that's what makes this decision even more difficult.
I always knew that inhaling parafin wasn't good for you, but it didn't seem like any harm could be that tremendous. Until I decided that I wanted to pursue a career I'd thought of since I was about four.
One day I'd like to become a fireman. There's a long story as to how I rediscovered the desire to do that for a living but I wont bore you now. I've spent over a year putting on weight and training, then putting on more weight and training. When I go for a run these days, I feel the damage to my lungs, I suppose it's as if I'd been a smoker since I was 16, but I don't know, because I don't have that experience to compare it to. So now I'm stuck making a choice between two things that I've always felt define who I am and who I'd like to be.
That's about as much as I can say about all that for the moment, I need to think more on it.
Finally I suppose this is just an update now; I got to work on Saturday only to be told that from Monday I work at a different branch. I now have an hour long commute to London Victoria Branch every morning. In fact, having now got over the shock I think it'll be a good thing, a great new start. The main benefit of it all I suppose is that in the next couple of months Becky and I want to move back towards Southend. This way if I keep having trouble finding a new job, I can just commute from Southend as well, in fact that might be easier...
Becky is fantastic as ever, once we've moved closer to home I feel like things will get even better. I'm looking at the next few months as a simplifying rather than an immeadiate struggle.
I'm going to leave it there for today, I'll regret posting this instantly but at least I wrote SOMETHING. And if you're reading this, congratulations for struggling through it all, and I'm sorry, but thanks all the same.
p.s
Bubba, I'll see you when you get home. <3
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| I hate my job. There's actually nothing I like about it. It's ironic that they keep promoting me, I guess. Or maybe they just want to keep me. The money's alright though. I just keep getting that sinking feeling that I generally get when I'm stuck in a situation I'm not too comfortable with. On the plus side some pretty good stuff's been going on. We found a place to live! Should probably have led with that one... Becky and me of course, hopefully we'll be living with Becky's oldest sister in Cashalton, Surrey. She just bought a house and needs a tenant. I'm both excited and petrified by the plan. But in more short term news, Alton Towers is on Tuesday. That should be pretty intense. We all went to see the new Disney flick, Wall-e, this week. I have to say, I've never been so pleased by anything Disney. The concept was actually quite dark. The characters are interesting enough, but Wall-e himself...Wall-e was incredible. I was just blown away if I'm honest. The best part though, the closing theme was by my childhood hero Peter Gabriel, this amazing song "Down to Earth". Anyway, I don't think I've got much more to talk about. I've been real tired lately and feeling a bit funny but that's life. I think everything goes in cycles, and sometimes everything just syncs up. Sometimes that great, and others it sucks. "And then....That's it... No more..." Morning baby xxxx | | |
| Right, second attempt for tonight. I'm getting pretty impatient with myself for not being able to write anything I like tonight. In my own life I've got a few things worrying me lately, the trouble with which is that while there's so much good going on, sometimes the other stuff can get me down and then I feel guilty about being down while I've got it so good. And so on... A few times this week I've caught myself just staring into space wondering how I'm going to pull off all this stuff that I need to do. Like how exactly am I going to manage to get a job in central london, and how am I going to move up there. I think of Becky and I feel better, I know I'm not alone. But I can't help but worry. No matter how secure you are, or how safe someone can make you feel, you still have to worry about that stuff. So that's a bit of what's worrying me. The main thing that get's me really down lately is feeling guilty and selfish because I get down sometimes. I have to focus on how amazing things with Becky are, how much she supports me and makes me feel so good. I've also been feeling very tired this last week or so. I think that might be why yesterday when we were in a group of six or seven I drifted back into shell mode and tried to let it all go over my head. I've always been bad in large groups of people, I don't know why. I like twos, and sometimes fours. I like being a two alot... It's been good having Mike home as well, hanging out with him. Hilariously, him and Poyee have hit it off. Which makes life a lot easier for me and Becky to see our best friends. We've booked two days at Alton towers for the four of us, which I cannot wait for. I went once when I was thirteen with the school for like three hours, and that's my only theme park experience, like ever. A few other interesting things that have happened recently; Becky's gran has come from Hong Kong, and instead of hating me like I thought she would, she seems quite pleased to see me and talk to me, (Becky even overheard her telling her sister in HK that I was tall and good looking) which is a bit odd really. OK cutting short, because I need to sleep and I've taken up enough of your time for one day/night/sitting. See ya, xxx p.s I love you, you know who... | | |
| Ok, so this is my first blog for a while...mainly, this is because I've been pretty busy. Also my sleeping patterns haven't been too great so I've either been lying awake in bed at 4am or falling asleep at the computer at 10pm. A lot's gone on since my last post....
I've had a couple of fire breathing gigs, both of which have gone really well (Photo's on added by Becky on facebook). It was good to perform with Nat again, it's been about a year since we teamed up, and even though we didn't plan a routine, we put on a hell of a show. It reminded me of the summer that Nat, Mike, Caz and Me spent most of our evenings at Hadleigh Castle or Plumbrough Mount drinking whiskey and breathing fire.
On that note: Mike came home the other day, I only got to see him yesterday thanks to work and things, but we went strawberry picking with Becky and Poyee then had a BBQ round Becky's. That was a pretty cool day because I got to relax and see my best friend. The evening was rounded off with a Super Mario Smash Bros competition, which no one really won or lost.
Sunday was Mine and Becky's ten month anniversary so we went for dinner and slobbed about the house afterwards. Ten months is a long time, but with Becky nothing feels any different to when we first dated, other than that I know her so well. I never really thought I'd be in this kind of relationship, but I couldn't be happier.
Monday was a painful day, I finally had my other wisdom tooth removed. Thankfully, Becky's dentist charged me about a third of what the last dentist charged me. It popped out quite easily compared, but it aches much more now that the last one. They're refering me to Southend Hospital to take out my bottom two, the joy of which is that they'll have to dislocate my jaw to do it!
I want this summer to keep going this way, obviously less of the tooth pulling...But I'm loving the return to firebreathing and spending time with my friends. We've got a pretty cool set up right now, and I hope it goes on. Crawley's set to be awesome, with a group of us going seperate from the SJC. We're planning a trip to Alton Towers and who knows, maybe we'll find the time to sit and watch the world go by under the sun with some drinks.
That's it! Hope I made sense tonight. xxx
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| Something I've realised lately is the depth of my understanding. As long as I can remember I've been empathising with anyone or anything I come into contact with. At the height of my depression I could make myself cry simply by looking at something, identifying it's function and saying "All it wants is...". For example, a watch; "All it wants is to tell the time"... I spent weeks doing this by the way.
I actually get a little uncomfortable when people empathize with me, and ironically that's something that I relate to Becky about. Last night was tough, I know the exact feelings that hit her so suddenly. I've been there. These days you wouldn't even notice if it happened to me, it sometimes still does. But I had trouble seeing Becky feel that way.
For once I couldn't put myself in that position, and I spent the whole night wrestling with myself.
Hurt that she wouldn't talk to me versus pain that she was upset versus anger that I could do nothing.
Thankfully that was one night and we're back on track. But it scares me sometimes.
Today Auntie (the nanny that looks after Becky's younger brother and sister) left to go stay with her daughter while she's ill. After that we're pretty sure she'll be going back to Malasia. She told Becky she wont be working for them anymore. So we put her stuff in the taxi and said goodbye today, she gave me a hug and said she'd miss me, before she started to cry. I can't imagine how it would feel to make somewhere your home and pretty much become part of a family and one day just to leave.
They all seem to be ok, but I have a feeling not talking about it is part of who they are. And I know she's going to be missed.
Look at it from a different view for just a second though... imagine that freedom. If you live where you work and eat, and put money away for three years and one day just go... you could go anywhere... Although, if you'd been in another country all that time...maybe you'd just want to go home.
Anyway, now I'm rambling again... Night Night. xxx
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